No One Would Do What The Lamberts Have Done - Sophie Hannah

It's not a Man Bites Dog story, it's not even a Dog Bites Young Girl story, as Champ has an alibi for his whereabouts at the time of the alleged incident, but even if that were the case no-one, we are led to believe, would do what the Lamberts have done. But when a policeman comes knocking on the door of the Hayloft in Swaffham Tilney to say the Lambert’s Welsh Terrier has been accused of viciously biting, not just nipping, Tess Gavey, Champ’s owner Sally Lambert does what no one else would do. And evidently enlists the rest of the family. The title makes it sound a little more sinister doesn't it? Well, that kind of suspense is something that this author is a master - or mistress - of, and surreal suspense at that.

It's all in the way you tell it and Sophie Hannah has you on tenterhooks from the start with her extraordinary and unusual opening. A policeman, the PC in question in the first paragraph, has been left what looks like a battered dug-up manuscript that details the incidents you are about to read, although strangely, even he feels part of the story in the way he reports it up to his superior officer. That's a little odd. Then, once he convinces his boss that it needs to be read you get, presumably, the narrative of the manuscript book, which is odder still, detailing that the incident is just part of a long running feud between the Lamberts and the Gaveys. All is not well in the village of Swaffham Tilney.

The story has been written at least partly, we are led to believe, by the Lambert's daughter Rhiannon, or Ree, and as it's told here the tension between the two families is something rather more than a feud, more like two powerful nations at war, a war to the finish that will annihilate one or the other. Not even that, perhaps even more like the eternal struggle between good and evil. There are also two perspectives on this; that of “Ree" in first person and that of Sally the mother, from a not impartial, it seems, third person perspective. Both take the incident and the implications for Champ, VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED, Sally preparing to go on the run from justice with Champ. Tobes, her son and Mark, her husband Lambert, don't seem terribly grounded either. Although, expressed in apocalyptic terms, nothing any of them say or think really seems all that extreme. We've all felt like this, haven't we? Hmmm.

There is often just such a gothic fairy-tale quality to Sophie Hannah’s writing, I've found. And it's utterly original and compelling. Magnus Mills taken to another level. Here we have an unsettlingly honest and open narrator who tells us everything, so it's not as if it's the old unreliable narrator trick, but since the narrator also admits that they are holding back some important information, at least until they can get the reader on her side, there is reason to be suspicious. Sally also relates her feelings and fears directly to Champ, things that she wouldn't confess or admit to anyone else. Again, there is an acknowledgement that this is a story, that it is a book, and suggests that there is a postmodern metafictional aspect to No One Would Do What The Lamberts Have Done. It's Sophie Hannah, what do you expect? 

It’s also a lot more than that. As I noted when I reviewed Haven't They Grown, "Sophie Hannah is particularly good at tapping into the complexities of modern life and the neuroses and strange behaviours of seemingly ordinary people." NOWDWTLHD is a surreal mystery, a satire of middle class values, of incompetence of authorities with incidents and behaviours that you can view as minor incidents that can appear otherwise when considered on macro level. You can take the dispute that led to the Swaffham Tilney Agatha Christie Book Club war for example as a commentary on social and ideological divisions, or just laugh at how silly and realistic it is about how seriously we take ourselves. Hannah also slips in some wonderful satire of politics, journalism and social media in there in a way that is conscious of worrying trends without getting too dogmatic about it. Hannah is no J K Rowling. Thankfully.

Either way, whether you consider it as satire, commentary or just observation, NOWDWTLHD is hilarious and disturbing at the same time, a laugh out loud moment at a brilliant observation here and there and a shudder of recognition at others. Most of all it's an Enjollifying shaggy dog story, or in this case a furry dog story that all dog or pet owners (personally, my Land of Cute and Furry is feline) - nay, all animal lovers including Ricky Gervais (Praise Ricky!) - will enjoy. If you haven't read the book, you won't know what all that means, unless the Lamberts goes viral and I don't even want to consider what Level that takes us to...

Reading notes: No One Would Do What The Lamberts Have Done by Sophie Hannah is published Bedford Square Publishers on 19th June 2025, coincidentally around the anniversary of the Lambert's ordeal. Hmmm. Also rather worryingly, when drafting this review while on GoogleDrive notes, I titled the review in progress 'Lamberts' which is the meta-prospective-publishers short name for the book. Sure, a perfectly normal coincidence you would think, but coincidences take on another level of significance after you have read this book. Maybe I wrote NOWDWTLHD? Is there really a Sophie Hannah? Such are the thoughts, or fun, you can have with this unique book, which (WARNING!) can obsessively get into your head. And indeed, that's very much Sophie Hannah.